:: …so since I left everyone hangin yesterday…I figured
I’d devote my lunch hour to write…you
know after thinking and replaying that
whole situation with this dude in my mind…I cried…lol….not bc I was sad, but bc
I was like ughhhh…….stuff like that just gets tossed around now a days like
it’s no biggie.. it ends up meaning nothing, not to the person saying it but to
the person being told such things..…….the next guy that talks to me about
getting married better do something about it or I’m going to run over
him…lol………kidding….
…..after the wedding was done and over with, I actually had
time to think, time to unwind, time to myself…and on Saturday night as I opened
up my bible and tuned into a Single Life teaching….it didn’t take long for the
tears to start coming…and boy did they come……..I started to think…you know, people
think that being single is all about PARTYING, SLEEPING AROUND, DOING WHATEVER THEY
WANT, PUTTING THEIR KIDS TO THE SIDE FOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN, or FOR A
NIGHT WITH A WOMAN or FOR A NIGHT MAN,
and pretty much LIVING the life they want ..ARE SO WRONG……that life of SIN is cool
while you’re doing it, especially if you’ve never had a taste of GOD….but when
you have, you crave something bigger, when you’ve had a small taste of what God
can do for you, when you GET TO KNOW HIM……you hold out for that BIGGER AND
BETTER taste of him…and all bc you know it’s going to be amazing. Especially
when you have learned that he is so good, all he wants is your love and
devotion to him…bc with that…he’s able to do what Jesus dies for…..to give you
exactly what you want……it hurts you when you know you’ve left him and he’s been
there waiting for you like the good man he is….you wonder why he didn’t get mad
and leave…..….you think to yourself…ok, God …what did I do wrong this
time….show me….and this is what he showed me……….
….you see, in case you haven’t noticed….I’m single…lol….I’m
not a lame chick, I can hold my own, I don’t have drama, I don’t go out, I
don’t party, I don’t sleep around, I don’t do what the single girls of the
“world” do……now don’t get me wrong, I HAVE BEEN THERE, AND DONE THAT…omg…(now
that kind of stuff, you will actually have to pay for someday)…the details of
my life lived in the world…that is going to be a must read….lol….but sometimes….I
will admit…I use my SINGLENESS to my advantage……..
…..ans he showed me in this way..…God said look at yourself
in the mirror…..what do you see………I see me God….. Monica….now look on your bed,
what do you see….I see SJ….now look at her again…what is she doing…..she’s
sleeping God….no… look at her……she’s resting……Yeah God she’s resting……she looks
so sweet………then he said, you think she’s worried about who she’s going to marry
someday……………No God, she’s not…….she doesn’t even think about that yet….and why
doesn’t she Monica?........because she’s
still a baby and she still has a whole life to live……..work to do for
you….and that would be silly if she did
God…….ok now look in the mirror again……….the way you see SJ is the same way I
see you……this lil girl…….who still has a life to live…..work to do for
me………look at how long you lived without me……..do you really want to live
without me ever again…?.........NEVER GOD…NEVER…..then why are you ignoring me
he asked………
……I didn’t have the words to answer him back…….instead, I
drifted off to sleep only to wake up a few hours later with this dude, heavy on
my heart……and God asking me….what do you know about this guy
Monica……ummmmm……nothing really God….and you let him kiss you?.....yeah….hold
on,….but you know nothing about him……….yeah I know ,I just told you……….I don’t
understand Monica….touching isn’t ok, think of what else it could have led to………What
does he say about me Monica……………..he hasn’t said anything about you God………and
you’ve let him talk to you about other things?............ummm yeah God………ok and
just where is he at in life Monica…is he somewhere you want to
be?...........ummmmm, not even God……and remember when you wanted so badly to
work things out with Sam…how did you feel…..…….ummm yes God, I remember….…….NOW
HOW DO YOU THINK THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN FEELS……………….the same God, I know
she wants to work things out with him……….NOW THINK……..if you love people the
way I do…what do you want to happen to him……………………..God, I want to see you
restore his relationship with her and them be a family….serving you…..living
your will……then get out of his way Monica………
……..and then the tears poured and poured…….you see once you
belong to GOD and you are filled with the Holy Spirit….you become some sort of
a…how can I describe it….you just know things…..and as soon as that dude walked
in the door of my work….I KNEW that I would see him again……..as soon as he
kissed me for the first time…….I knew I would let him do it again……….as soon as
he picked me up….I knew I liked it…….and as soon as he spoke to me about
marriage…GOD knew that it would tug at my heart so bad ….and he was going to let that moment of hurt
catapult me into a new frame of mind……..
… and now coming back to when he told me that about
marriage………..it did hurt…..but who set themselves up for that hurt…I DID…….the
holy spirit had already told me NO…don’t go there…but bc of MY CHOICES, MY
FLESH, MY DISOBEDIENCE….it was now my hurt….you see from the beginning…God was
looking out for my good………and as I sat there on the couch and he played with my
hair…I said…
“I’m crying because I’m wasting my time with you…and I know
it! It hurts because I am a good girl…and you can’t see it….you don’t
appreciate it.” …..and it hit me ….the reason he was satisfied with not having
sex…is because he was having sex with his baby mom……he didn’t need me for sex….
the reason he won’t come to church on Sunday’s is bc Sundays are his family
days……... …and they go to a different church…lol…
….so Sunday morning at church…I heard a man singing behind
me….singing so off tune but so in love with what the song said that I
thought…..OMG…..GOD, I WANT THAT…I WANT A MAN who will sing his heart out for you……………and Sunday at CLC… is when I said
you know God……..thank you….thank you for showing me things last week…thanks you
for showing me last night and thank you GOD…for never leaving me nor forsaking
me……….tomorrow….I’m putting an end to this..
…so Monday came…and all morning long I thought, now how am I
going to do this God..…how do I tell him that this is happening no more………give
me courage, give me the words God……..and then the text came through….
“Have a beautiful day pretty lady.”…... :/..God…why does he
have to talk to me like that…I don’t want
to do this…Please God……I ignored the text……about four hours later came another….
“Hello friend.”…….this time I was set on ending things…and I
responded quicker then I thought.
“Hey….what do you want dude?”……..ummm yeah, the moodiness
was kicking in…
“What the hell Bobby?”………I LAUGHED…so hard…you see God this
is what I like abouthim…he’s funny…shut it Monica…..I don’t respond…
“What up…are you busy for lunch?”
“No, I’m just goin home.”
“Think you can run me to the house?”
“Sure.”……..omg, I can’t wait to see him….omg God….I wonder
what he wore today….check your make-up………how much longer till 12…..
…thirty minutes later I’m dropping him off and he says…
“What, you aren’t going to stay?”
“No..I’m going home. “…..at that point, he didn’t want to
get off of the car…..I gave him a look like come on dude….hurry up…. so he
finally gets off……but before shutting the door. He asks…
“Will you come pick me up?”
“Sure dude…..and when I do I need to tell you something! “
“What is it…aww man, you look serious…don’t do this to me!”…
“Peace out dude…I’ll see you at one. “…..
…..SO I PICK HIM UP…and still lack the courage to tell
him….but the quiet ride was the most quietest moment we’ve shared …see I didn’t
want to tell him and he didn’t wanna hear it…..so as soon as we parted ways…I
sent him a text………….
“Listen Richard…I’m sorry for making you think that there
could ever be anything between us…I’m
not really into you hiding things and constantly wondering about what I’m
doing…it’s obvious you aren’t right. You
asked me if I was mad at you and the truth is, I’m not one bit mad at you…if
I’m mad at anyone…it’s myself, for thinking that you “could be” different…even
more true is as much as we “like” each other..…you are no one I NEED in my life
nor am I someone you WANT in yours…If it is going to be hard for you to keep
things strictly on a friendship level then just don’t be my friend…because
remember …friends is all we are..”….
…..and as I hit the send button…..a HUGE weight was lifted
off of my shoulder…..
…and sooo it seems like I enjoy posting my blogs in story
form…now I know you can’t like this on here without a Google account, but if
you liked it and want more…LET ME KNOW by LIKING the dang thang…..lol….for real…the
more I know people are reading…..the more I want to write……..tonight after
church…I’ll write what his response was…why things like this happen and how instead of avoiding it..we let it happen...waht did God mean by resting....and just like before…throw in a nice
lil twist…..
~monica
Blog 9
4/24/13
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