:: …..OMG….am I ever
moody…….you know that time of month when everything bothers you, everyone’s
voice annoys the living day out of you, even your own :/…….and you just want to
slap everyone in the face, just for looking at you….LOL…ok, it’s not that bad,
but you catch my drift right…well, as much as I like the cleansing…..I HATE the
boldness it comes with…it’s bad enough that I’m pretty vocal, and adding more
reason to be mean vocally, takes lots of control……….and sometimes, I insist on
losing control, and letting my flesh take over…only to regret what I’ve done,
said and felt…..smh….
…..so yesterday, I posted something on fb that prompted a
sweet friend to ask me if everything was ok...lol…in case you’ve not noticed…I’m
on a man bash…..lol…. and after commenting on my fb post yesterday….. (which I
later deleted)… his exact words were….”What’s really going on with you Monica,
you know if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”…………..and as I text him back
that everything was ok….the thoughts came in……..yeah Monica…what’s really going
on with ya?....hmmm……….since you make it so easy in sharing with the world how
good life is and you want to be real….share
with them the times you get pissed off, feel like crap, get tempted to sin, and just want to curl up in a corner and CRY……ok,
sure…….let me tell you….
……well….as I thought about why I was so upset , I came to
the conclusion that I was annoyed with one certain man…..but overall pissed with
men in general………you see, last week…this “friend” that claims to be just a friend….took
me to lunch, and asked me 21 questions…hmmm… in return…I couldn’t ask not 1…. WHAT
THE…..now I’m not about WOMAN POWER or anything like that but, are we for real
here dude?????….Ok, so maybe he likes me like that, nice……ok…..well…..being
honest with yourself Monica……why do you have to be questioned……you’re
not doing anything wrong, and he’s not God to question who you talk to, who you
see and so on…….hmmmmm………..the thought arose…maybe…just maybe…….he could have more
up his sleeve then just prison tattoo’s ….so let’s do an inventory…….of all
that has occurred in the last month……and well, let’s just say that I had to re-evaluate
who my “friends” are, what MY desires are, what MY goals are, and ultimately
WHO I AM…..see a month ago is when this dude…smh…walked through the front door
of my work lookin for a job…….a month ago is when I let my flesh start “catching
feelings” for this dude……and a month ago as I tried giving him the word of God…he
tried swooping me off of my feet, literally………sad part is….…I let him :/
……so this guy, you know that one I think is super-hot, just got
out of prison, has nothing going for him, yeah him………well he starts talking to
me, we chat it up, we exchange numbers, we hang out, we talk constantly, we laugh
constantly, we go places together…he comes over for lunch….I go over to his
PARENTS house for lunch, he buys me breakfast, I buy him snacks…lol…..we KISS,
we HOLD HANDS …..and as I catch feelings for him he has no PROBLEM expressing
his for me…, he tells me I’m the prettiest girl to ever come into in his life,
he begs me to let him take me out…he begs me topay attention to him all the
time….he constantly asks to pick me up,like pick me up..literally… like lift me
off the ground…all to prove to me that he’s this strong man…..mannn ladies……if
you’ve never been picked up and held by a man, you’re missing out…lol…just kidding…it’s
not all that…wait yes it is……anyway……..he does all this…..makes me feel like I’m
#1…….. all while he tries to hide his FULL BLOWN relationship with his baby mom………yeah…..…and
one day, as he walked in to bring me breakfast…..…the holy spirit told me…...NO!!!!....…loud
and clear……what??.........wait hold ON ….was that a no to the breakfast burrito
God, or to him…….oh Lord, bc you know, better than I do, that I want BOTH………hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………….this
was not a good thing….ok God, now you’re getting in the way of WHAT I WANT………….just
chill GOD…let me handle this…………….
………I continued to be disobedient….talking to this guy who by
NO means has any JESUS in him…claims to know the WORD but to this day will accept
my invitation to go to church…but when I told him I was planning a wedding, asked,
“Can I be your date?”……………and the idiot girl in me actually thought about it…….ughhhhhh…….then
I thought…pictures will be taken, this isn’t just a regular day Monica….…hmmmmm……really
want all those memories to include him?………UMMM NO……and for that matter, I am
not takin anyone JESUS….this is my time to
shine…….ALONE!!!!
……well….with the rush of the wedding, the never ending
excitement of a new “potential” guy to be my boyfriend……..GOD got pushed to the
back burner…….and sat there this whole time, making every effort he could to
warn me that I was about to NEED HIM more than ANYTHING……….
……..mannn…..this guy who would beg to get all of my attention,
was perfectly ok with not having sex, perfectly ok with the thought of a good
girl being with a bad guy……told me we were going to change each other’s lives…..lol…and that someday, I’d be planning
mine and his wedding…………
……..hold up, DO YOU KNOW who you are talking to DUDE……you’re
talking tome…lol… Monica Campos……the chick who has been praying and waiting for
the day for Mr. Right to get down on one knee and ask me to be Mrs. WHOEVER….lol……….
“Don’t play with me like that dude…you don’t even know me!”….(
if there are any guys reading this….don’t play like that with a woman…you’ll
either steal her heart or set a fire in it )….
“Why? I’m just being honest…I see you doing all this for your
friend…you wish it was it for yourself huh?”…….”See you think I don’t know you
yet, but I do…you are ready…ready to love HARD!”…..and that was it…..that’s all
it took for me to start bawlin……
“No dude, I don’t wish it was it was for me……I know my time
is coming, God’s working on my man!”
“MONICA…then why are you sitting here crying like a cute lil
baby?”………
........ughhhhhhh why do I still have to cry so much when things touch my heart GOD.......WHY!!!!???
.....I 'm done today...I'm not even in a mood to write anymore.........and I'm not even halfway done...
~monica
4/23/13
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